My Mother and Me

My mother never found love 

Just disappointment

She dreamed about those three words 

But it was purely her fault 

She was afraid of commitment 

Of settling down with someone 

She was afraid of getting hurt 

Of getting rejected by people 

I don't think she could take anymore heartbreak

or she might have broke.

In someways she was already broken

and had been for a long time

unable to be mended

there was no hope for her or her heart.

It had gone black

the darkest shade of black

it was soul-less

there was no life, no humanity.

She had no affection

she was incapable of love.

She never loved anyone

not even her own children

however she found a solution to her problems

at least she thought it was a solution.

She found a way to make herself better

but in return it made her sick

and there was no cure

not for this particular sickness.

People tried to help her

they did

but as she did many times before

she rejected them

she didn't let them in

too afraid of what she might become if she did

but we were afraid of what she might become

if she didn't.

I was ashamed of her

a young girl

who barely knew what the word meant

was embarrassed of her mother

or rather what she had become over the years.   

My father was never around

he left when I was little

he abandoned me

and I abandoned all hope of him returning

he never tried to have a relationship with me

and I don't know why

maybe I wasn't good enough for him

maybe he was embarrassed by me

or maybe he just hated me.

I was just a little girl

dreaming that one day

her daddy would come and save her

but he never did.

Instead he started a new life

new children

new girlfriends

and all the while I was alone

with an unstable mother.

Eventually it just became easier

to pretend he died

that he didn't leave me by choice

that he did love me

like he did his other kids.

Eventually I was saved

but not by my dad

by my grandparents

they were there when no one else was

they cared

and after a while

they became my mum and dad

and I was happy for a little while

until my mother came back.

Every time my mother came back it ended

in heartbreak and disaster.

It was good for a while

but she was like a ticking time bomb

it was only a matter of time

till she exploded

and destroyed everything in her way

and she did several times.

It destroyed everyone of us

over and over again.

In a way I am grateful for it

not her

I would never be the person I am today

and I like the person I am today

minus the attitude.

I never got what other people got,

a mother who loved them

and who showed it,

a father who would come home from work

with a smile on his face

because he came home to his family.

To me that was a fairy-tale,

not princesses being rescued by princes,

not talking toys or animals

just a proper family.

I can't help but think

if my dad stayed

things would be different

a good kind of different.

Or maybe not,

maybe they would be exactly the same

or even worse.

I don’t believe in dwelling on the what ifs?

Because I believe that it will drive you crazy.

Then again all the best people are.

Now I’m on a new kind of adventure.

A terrifyingly great adventure.

Leaving all I’ve known

and entering the world by myself.

I’m going to do it like I do everything else,

One step at a time.

Words by Nicole Sim.