Lockdown Guilt

Emma Jokinen writes about the guilt of feeling bad over lockdown when others have had it worse

I had a hard time adapting to the beginning of lockdown, and the same is true for most of us. People have gotten sick, lost loved ones, lost their jobs and financial stability. Meanwhile, my idea of a hard time was being alone and bored at home. These things were so trivial in comparison, but I was sad, and I felt guilty for being sad. I know I’m not the only one.

I’d signed up for a new dance class the week before lockdown went into effect. It was something I’d been wanting to do for so long, but I was too anxious. I’d finally gathered up the courage and decided to do it. I was so excited. Then a few days before it was meant to start, lockdown was announced.

All the classes were cancelled, and every Monday night when I was supposed to be there, I was sitting alone at home, disappointed and sad. All the excited nervousness and the eagerness to get started petered out into an anticlimax. I cried a few times. And then I thought of everything terrible happening in the world, of everyone in ICU, and the thousands facing eviction, and I forced those feelings down.

My problems felt so small in comparison. I missed the gym while others missed loved ones. I lost out on my summer job while others missed out on their livelihoods. It felt like I had no right to feel bad when seemingly everyone else had it worse; when everyone I knew and loved were healthy; when I had enough savings to get me through a couple months.

I know many others feel the same guilt: for missing friends, and being sad about summer trips that didn’t happen, or disappointed about events that were cancelled.

But here’s what I realised during this summer: my pain isn’t diminished by the suffering of others. We don’t tell people with depression that they should cheer up because they have a family and a home and a job they like, when people are starving and homeless and lonely. Depression still hurts. The truth is there’s always going to be someone who has it worse than you. Does only the most miserable person on this planet deserve to feel bad?

The same goes for the things that have happened to us during the pandemic. We’ve all felt its consequences, even those of us fortunate to not have been very badly affected. My feelings are valid. I have every right to be disappointed about my cancelled dance classes, and that doesn’t mean I think I’ve suffered more than anyone else during this lockdown. There’s a middle ground. I can say, “Yes, others have had it worse, but it was difficult for me too, at times”. It was a lonely, stressful, economically trying time, and I didn’t get to take my dance classes.

This applies to you too. Let go of the conviction that you were doing too well to deserve sympathy. Maybe you’d been saving up for that trip for years. Maybe you’d always dreamt about seeing that particular band live. That’s hard, and if you only suffered through one difficult thing this pandemic, that’s one difficult thing enough.

It’s okay to be sad that you didn’t get to say goodbye to your university friends before you all went back home. It’s okay, even though you will see your friends again, and many others won’t. It’s okay to be sad that you didn’t get to go on your trip. It’s okay if you were missing McDonald’s a lot.

We all lost out on things this year. We’re allowed to mourn them even if they aren’t people.

I promise you, it’s okay.